the LOST ones


Kaivens Story

I did not know I was pregnant.Your daddy jevon told me I was pregnant about a month after you were conceived.But I didnt believe it.I denied it to the fullest.I hadnt had my women cycle for months and I still didnt think I was pregnant I just thought somethimng was wrong. your daddy would tell me how he was eating more and sleeping a awful lot.I still didnt believe him. so I continued doing things I shouldnt have been doing pregnant or not.I was drinking alchohol..still having sex...smoking milds...fighting ..lifting huge couches and tvs by myself because I was in the process of moving...I was stressing and smoking daily and drank weekly...I slept all the time but rarely ate anything...I had been bleeding for months now and I knew it wasnt my cycle and I didnt know what was wrong..So then I finally decided to schedule myself a doctor appointment and found out I was 15 weeks prgnant.The day I found out was aug.6.2014 so I cried and cried because your poppy had got locked up and your grandma was saying she didnt want anything to do with you..My whole world was going out of control. but then I met this beautiful women named Lola who talked to me and your grandmother and she made a big change in her heart..She decided that she wanted to keep you in her life and she was helping mommy prepare for your arrival..Everything was fine and I was happy atlast for the first time in forever..But then aug.19 came and I started feeling really bad cramps and went to the bathroom and started screaming because I thought I was losing you..blood clots kept coming out..I was panicking and literally going crazy...I went to the hospital no shoes no underwear and no clothes but a shirt and doctors kept asking me questions but I was so devastated I could barely speak because I didnt want to lose my baby boy..So im crying and so on but then I go to the ultrasound room and see you just fine and you still had a heart beat...I was oso relieved and happy and I cried more but this time it was happy tears..the doctor said I was being threatened with a miscarriage but wasnt having one at the current moment.. So I was put on bedrest and told not to do anything but go to the bathroom..I got up one time because I was hungry and just ate sum vanilla pudding but I didnt finish it..You didnt really eat alot your appetite was anyway the 20th of agust came and i didnt get up unless I had to use the restroom..but then it happened..Aug.21.2014 at 5:47 am came and I cried and cried and screamed and prayed..I have never prayed..I even chanted..I even sang stay with me..I even called on the universe..I even called on god because I heard he comes when you need him not want him and I really needed him and he never came and then the pain stop and your soul had left the room and went into the light..You hung in there one more day for mommy and I am so appreciative..I cherish the few months I had with you Kaiven..Every since then my life has truly changed little man..I love and miss you oso much I cant even describe in words how I feel little man..Gosh im so sorry Kaiven..Mommy so sorry..If I hadve known I wouldnt have done half the things I done..its all my fault why youre gone..Gosh im sorry...I would have quit smoking and drinking and took care of you..I would have gave you the world little K..I dont know why you were taken away from mommy cause I wouldnt have been neglectant or unfit I swear if I hadve known baby k..OMG I should have listened to your daddy..Im so very sorry son please forgive mommy..Gosh I hate myself..I wish you or Journey hadve took mommy with you..Now you are my motivation..You and your brother..MAY YALL REST IN PEACE ...I will acheive my goals for you guys .. Blow With The Wind my little Angels..Mommy will see you again! [KAIVENS WORLD] ,{JOURNEYS WORLD}


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