the LOST ones


Another lost one - Noah Daniel Westaway

Noah Daniel Westaway - January 5, 2002

It was May 14, 2001 when I found out I was pregnant with my 6th baby.

It had come as a surprise, our older children were 18,16,12,10 and 4 ½.We were happy once the initial shock wore off and all the kids were excited about a new baby coming. The only hiccup was I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. It was soon under control with a special diet and insulin injections. I was told as long as it was controlled everything would be fine. We knew the baby would be bigger than usual so agreed that I would have a caesarean at 38 weeks.

The pregnancy progressed normally until at 36 weeks I began to notice reduced movement. I mentioned it to the Dr and he sent me for monitoring to check it out. It all turned out alright although he had been quiet for a lot of the time. I was told to go home and keep a kick chart and call in if I had any worries. A few days later I had a midwife check, the heartbeat was strong and everything was normal. I relaxed and decided I wasn’t going to worry any more and would wait patiently for my next appt in about 10 days time. I kept the kick chart and he always passed even on the last day I felt him.

The day before I was due to go for my check up, he was very quiet. I had felt him that morning but all the day long he didn’t move. It was a very hot day, 34 degrees, the hottest in all New Zealand .I kept thinking he was sleeping, getting ready to be born. That night I couldn’t sleep, I was waiting to feel him move but he didn’t, not once that long, long night. I poked and prodded but still nothing. I told myself he was sleeping, everything would be fine, I’m just being paranoid. If only I would have gotten help then, maybe he would have been alright.

So I went to the hospital the next morning expecting all to be fine. I went in to the Drs office, sat down, talked a little, then got up on the bed for a scan. I knew right away something was wrong. He looked so grim and pale. Then he asked me when had I last felt him move, then he said, ”I can’t see his heart beating”.
I’ll never forget that sentence as long as I live. I keep hearing it over and over in my head. That was the moment I knew he was gone. The dr kept desperately trying to find his heartbeat but finally gave up and turned to me and said, ”I’m sorry but your baby has died”.
Even though I knew it was true I couldn’t believe it. How could this be happening, he was fine just yesterday, it can’t be true, everything was going so well. I’d been so careful with the diabetes,making sure I ate right, taking all those horrible injections all those months. How could it all go wrong now, so close to the end. I was supposed to be getting my date for my c/section, not finding out my baby had died, this was so unreal!!

I decided to go home and return the next day for induction since I would now not be allowed the c/section I had wanted. We needed time to tell the other children and our families etc. It was a very hard time for us all.
We were at the hospital at 8:30am.It was a beautiful sunny day, much too nice a day for my baby to be no longer living. The induction was underway by 9:am.By 7pm that night I was in established labour, it got going very fast once it started .It got unbearable, then I felt a pop and the waters broke. The water was green. It really upset me as that means the baby must have been distressed before he died. He was crying out for us to help him but no one helped him. I cried then for my poor baby.

Noah Daniel was born at 1:32am after only a few pushes.(ironic as my other kids all got stuck and needed forceps).The worst part was the deafening silence. No baby crying. He was so beautiful,9lbs 12oz.He looked so much like his brother Sam. His skin was peeling off everywhere. We got the midwife to bath and dress him. She got his hand and footprints for us and some of his hair on a sheet of card. I held him a long time but he was so fragile.
Our midwife took lots of photos for us. He looked totally at peace, like he’d just gone to sleep and never woke up. We had decided to say our goodbyes in the birthing room, just Robert and I. We felt like if we kept him too long, it would be even harder to let him go. All too soon our time with him was over and we had to say goodbye. I will never forget that night when I held an angel in my arms. I will never forget my last look at him, when I touched his face and said “Goodbye Darling”. It broke my heart to say goodbye. Then he was gone and that was the last time we saw our beautiful little Noah.
Later we found out that Noah means “In God’s rest” .I absolutely believe that and know without a doubt he’s there now. Only knowing that is what gives me peace and the strength to go on with out him. I know we will see him again.
We never found out why Noah died,We chose not to have a post mortem, we just couldn’t bear the thought of anyone handling him, he needed peace now. Nothing they could tell us would ever bring him back. There were tests done on the placenta etc ,all came back normal, so I guess in this life we will never know.
We have come such a long way since we lost Noah. It feels so long ago and yet just like yesterday.
Noah now has a little sister, born 11 months after he died. Having her has helped heal our hearts but there’s still a big hole for Noah and an ache that never goes away.Noah, thankyou for the time I carried you inside me, I will treasure that time always. We all miss you so much but know we will see you again,

With all our love always

Mum,Dad,Melissa,Jenny,Robert,Samuel,Jeremiah,Rebekah, your nephew Jake xoxoxo,and your niece Makayla xoxoxo

By Michelle Westaway


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