the LOST ones


He named her Anna

I am lucky to be a mother of two precious baby boys. At the age of 24 I was told that I could not have children and that I would continue to have miscarriage after miscarriage and I did. My specialist told me that I was going through early menopause which was not uncommon for the women in my family. I needed to have a baby, I felt like I was made to be a mother and that I was going to be robbed. My Physician told me that I needed to have a hysterectomy if I was going to have a normal life. Normal didn’t mean anything to me if I could not have a child. I told her no, that I was not going to have a hysterectomy and she needed to think of something else and she did. She asked me if I had ever heard of Hughes syndrome, I had not but she told me that in some cases women would get blood clots due to an abnormal clotting factor and that would cause early death to the fetus. She promised me that in three months I would be pregnant and I was and she also promised me that if I took daily Heprin shots that I had a better chance of delivering a baby, I did. After almost ten months of pregnancy I delivered. I went so long that my placenta had already started to fall to pieces that I almost lost him. After two years with my perfect son, I was in a bad accident and suffered a broken back. Without even knowing I had become pregnant right before the accident. I was in so much pain but I was so happy to find out I was having a daughter. Of course bed rest was called for and all treatments for my back had to stop. I loved telling my son that he was going to have a sister. He named her Anna and that named seemed to be perfect. So we referred to her as Anna. Since I was high risk I had ultrasound after ultrasound and everything seemed so perfect. I had gone past the point of worrying about miscarriage and was thinking about delivery. On Friday evening I felt like something was wrong. I thought maybe I am dehydrated and am getting a UTI. That was a normal thing for me so I called my Dr. and the nurse told me she was out but if it was an emergency I could go to the hospital. I didn’t feel like it was an emergency so I just stayed home. She told me that if I needed I could call but to come in on Monday. By Saturday the pain was so intense that I could not wait till Monday. I had not felt her move even when I would drink ice water. I asked my husband at the time to take me to the hospital. He of course not being the best of husbands dropped me off and went to his work to do some work. I had to hear from a stranger that I would not be having my baby and it seemed that she had passed away. I was wheeled into a hallway and left while nurses were carrying on conversations about their lives I was left to cry and comprehend what was happening to my life. I was finally brought to a room and given some options. I was told that I could go home and wait until I delivered her or I could have a D & E. I could not fathom going home to deliver a five month pregnancy that had apparently terminated weeks earlier. I was told that her body had already started to deteriorate. I was alone and had to make decisions while being pressured by a physician who was not my own. He told me that since I could not have a natural child birth he would either have to do a c-section or would have to do a vaginal abstraction. I had no idea what to do and once I was under the Dr. decided to tear my baby apart instead of leaving her whole. Because of this decision I was never able to hold her or kiss her. I left the hospital to go home to take apart a nursery of pink. An autopsy was done because I could not bear knowing that it was something that I caused or something in our genes. Thankfully, it was not. My Anna died from what is called Turner syndrome and if she would have been born she would have not had reproductive organs and would have more than likely suffered from spinal and heart problems. I firmly believe that God had other plans and that Anna was not meant to be with us here on Earth. I went on to have another healthy son before deciding that I was blessed. I have two awesome boys, a baby girl who I will definitely see again and my 15 other babies that went on before I could find out if they were boys or girls and what to name them. After I lost her I was devastated and sought some solace. I needed answers and maybe even sympathy from a husband who was not capable of giving it. I sought out the help of a Card reader which doesn’t even make sense to me today because I don’t have belief in those sorts of things. She told me that Anna would come to me in a dream to prove to me that she was happy and healthy in Gods heaven. I am not sure if I wished it to happen or if it just needed to happen but one night I dreamed of her and woke up to finally be at peace with my loss. I think of her to this day but I no longer mourn her because I know that one day I will finally be with her and see her loving face.

By Gwen Pittman

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