the LOST ones


My Angel Baby Carter Michael

On July 12, 2010 our first son Carter Michael was born still. I was 33 weeks pregnant. It all started on Wednesday when I didn’t feel much movement from my belly. I just figured that it was because he had simply ran out of room to move around, and that things were getting more cramped in there for him. Thursday morning I woke up and something just didn’t feel quite right, I felt as if my stomach was not as hard as it had been. I felt like something was different. I had been in the hospital about a month earlier for decreased fetal movement and everything was fine, so I told myself he must be sleeping and I’m sure everything is still fine like before. But as a few days went by I still did not feel any movement and was very worried. On Saturday my fiance took me to the hospital so we could make sure everything was alright with our little boy. When we got their the nurse tried to find the heartbeat with one of the belts they put on to monitor the heartbeat and she could not find the heartbeat. After about 5-10 minutes of trying I was very very worried but she reassured me that sometimes that monitor is touchy and she went and got a handheld monitor to try and find the heartbeat. After another 5 minutes of no heartbeat she tells my fiance and I that they are going to do an ultrasound and the baby may be “to deep” to find the heartbeat. Which I think she knew what had happened but was trying to ease my mind a bit. I just knew in my heart what had happened and I told my fiance but we both didn’t want to believe it. The ultrasound technician came in and did a quick ultrasound, but was soon gone out of the room. About 10 minutes later my doctor and the nurse came in and my doctor told us that the heartbeat was gone and that we had lost baby. I just lost it, I broke down and cried and cried, I couldn’t even talk. In the corner of my eye I saw my fiance was crying also. I felt so much hurt and so much pain, all I could think was WHY? The doctor told me he would be inducing me right away, and they took us to a private room. Once we got settled in my fiance and I just held each other and balled. This baby had already been the center of our worlds, we were so ready for him to be born, to come home with us and be a part of our family. We had so much hurt and anger, and questions. After we ran out of tears we started calling all of our family members to let them know the horrible news. Soon our close family members were there with us to support us. The first night the doctor gave me some medicine to soften my cervix, which he left in all night. And they gave me a sleeping pill so I could try and get some rest. The next morning they began giving me two tablets every 4 hours to get my contractions going. That evening the contractions starting getting painful and I had an epidural. But I had a “hot spot” as they called it, where my epidural did not work in one spot in my stomach so I felt the contractions there. The doctor broke my water, and within 30 minutes I went from 5cm dilated to 10cm. And my contractions were getting more and more intense. They started getting everything around so I could give birth to my baby, and I starting feeling like I was pushing. Like I needed to push. Everyone gathered around me and helped me push, my fiance right beside me holding my hand. I pushed three times and it was over. They took our sleeping little boy to get cleaned up and dressed. Not too long after they brought him back into the room, and the moment I set my eyes on him I was mesmerized. He was so beautiful. I held him and looked at his cute little fingers. And I thought to myself again why, why me? I knew I would do anything to just be able to look into his eyes, to hear his cry. I handed him to my fiance and we both adored him. He was so perfect and so sweet. Our family came in to see him, there was so much sadness in the room, yet so much joy for the new life. Everyone knew that Carter had a bigger purpose, god needed him as an angel and that someday we will all meet Carter, when the time is right. My doctor told us that there was a blood clot in Carter’s umbilical cord right up by his belly, and that was most likely the reason he died. But we didn’t know why it was there. And we may never know why. But that I would be tested to be sure that this wouldn’t happen in a future pregnancy. Lose Carter has been one of the hardest things to go through in my life. I have so much hurt, that I can’t even explain. And so many questions that will never be answered. I would never ever wish this upon anyone, not even my worse enemy.

By Brittany


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