the LOST ones


Sister's lil Angel, Mummy's Shining Star

Two days after my birthday this year, on 29th March, I found out i was pregnant. I was absolutly over the moon, and rushed home to tell my partner. We were both so happy, felt like we were the happiest couple on earth. This baby would be a sibling for my two daughters, Ashantai, 6 and Kaylee, 3. After a hard 7 years, I was over-come with emotion, and just couldn't believe how lucky I was. My partner and I had been together for 7 months, and he had 3 children from a previous relationship, aged 11, 12 and 14. That very day, we went out and bought folic acid, whispering to each other, and no matter what you could not wipe the smile off my face. I went to sleep that night cradling my belly, and feeling as though my heart would burst. At a doctor's appointment the following day, he worked out that i was around 6 weeks, and booked me in for a scan. Butterflies in my tummy, we sat in the waiting room itching to get a glimpse of our little baby for the first time. The scan went well, and although it was hard to see to much at six weeks, the scan lady booked us in for another scan. Day after day, I felt amazing, and thought my life was about to change. my two previous partners had never been around for either of my girls, during pregnancy or birth, and i fell pregnant with my 1st daughter at only 16. i have brought up both my daughter's on my own, and finally knew what it felt like to have the daddy with me during these important, exciting times.. something my heart had longed for for 6 years!!
And then, at my eight week scan, my world crumbled. The scan revealed my baby had stopped growing. Nothing in this world could ever describe the pain i felt in my heart... why was this happening to me? to us? why, just when i was getting a taste of what it feels like to be a proper family? why would god do this to me?? what the HELL did i ever do to deserve this?? Breaking down in the scan room, I wanted to die. my sobs nearly choked me, and my world stood still. I thought i had felt pain before, but nothing would ever compart to the pain and emptiness that engulfed me in as little as 5 minutes. We walked into the waiting room, where my mum was waiting with my youngest daughter, (who was totally oblivious to all the commotion around her) and once again, i broke down in sobs in her arms. We left that place with heavy hearts. I struggled through that day, and fell into bed that night hoping that morning would never come.
And so my days were, spent in a haze of grief. every second day, i had to go for blood tests to monitor my hormone levels. And then the denial set in.
Surely, they had it wrong! After all, the baby- MY baby- had a heart beat still!! I had popped right out only days after i found out i was pregnant, and i still had my belly, so surely?? i was absolutly convinced that the doctors had it wrong! No one was going to take this away from me, not now. And anyway, my partner wasnt very supportive, and he was having his sad time (rightly so, dont get me wrong), and spent his time thinking of himself and the pain he was going through, and I'm a strong woman, i told myself. I have to be strong here, I have to support everyone through this, im not ALLOWED to cry, so no one saw my pain... as i say, i was in denial.
But unfortunatly, i was wrong.. the doctors were right. Day by day, my little angel was dying inside of me. And absolutly nothing i could do would change that. me, the big strong woman, who had fought life head on, who had single handedly brought 2 children up, who was supposed to fix everything... i couldnt save my baby.
Yet i wasnt bleeding. the baby was stubborn, like mummy!! i put on a brave face, forced a smile on my face, went about my daily duties, as though i was coping, everything was ok, all was normal. no one wants to see my tears, i thought. no one thinks im hurting, i told myself. so i held on to it, pretend everything was ok, and at night i would wait till my daughters and my partner were all asleep, and i would lay there, holding my tummy, and beg with all my strength for this baby to be strong. i would cry in the darkness, scream inside, my body would shake with misery. ive never prayed so hard in my life, night after night, i promised this baby anything, ANYTHING at all if it would just please, PLEASE pull through. i made pact's with god, to please not take my baby from me. i was alone in my pain. And because i felt like i couldnt tell anyone how i felt inside, it was easier to be angry. i was furious, hated the world. i thought my partner was just so damn selfish, not once did he ask how i was, i was expected to wait on him hand and foot, as he spent day after day feeling sorry for himself, and i started resenting him. As a result, our relationship started to break down. he was angry that i wasnt there for him 24 hours of the day, but he didnt understand that i also had 2 children to think about, whilst silently dealing with my grief, and going about our usual daily life. he had always been like this though, i was just starting to see how selfish and hurtful he truly was. So i left. not that i had anywhere to go, or anyone to talk to. none of my friends or family had stuck around as they couldn't stand him from day one. so i really truly was alone with my girls.
All the while, i was constantly at the doctor's, begging them to do something... if my baby was dying, i didn't want to have it die inside me, it wasnt fair. so eventually, they decided to send me to the hospital to have the baby taken out. The pain had set in by now, my heart was shattered, and i could hide it no longer. a teacher at kaylee's kindy said to me, "oh i have heard your having a baby!! Thats great!!" and in front of everyone, i broke dowm. The shame i felt couldn't even stop the tears, but inside i was thinking, "you stupid, weak idiot! This is a kindy, not some sob fest!" so while the bewildered teacher grabbed kaylee, i tried to compose myself and rushed out as fast as i could.
i felt like every day i was on auto-pilot, only going on because of my girls. no one to talk to, no one to hold me, and as it turned out, no one to even take me to the hospital on the day of my operation. i had no choice but to turn back to my partner. i had to be in at 7am, 13th may 2010. with a heavy heart, we set off early hours of the morning. as we had no one to watch my youngest, she had to come along too. i had to go through another scan too, which although i can see now was absolutly necessary, at the time i thought it was such a nasty thing to have to go through, "stupid people, i know my baby is dead", and when she ran the scanner over my stomach, i had to turn my head. i could not bear to see, so i looked at the walls and counted the squares. i tried to block out whatever it was she was muttering to herself, but i did hear her say "yes, the baby is heammoraging now... no chance". And so off i went. The nurses were amazing, totally understanding, and how i feel for them doing a job that would be that tough.. what amazing people. I got the chance to take my baby home, and i jumped at it.. if i couldnt have my baby with me alive, i would have it with me and bury it somewhere when i feel strong enough.
Admittedly, my partner was wonderful the day of the operation. he watched my little girl, took her for lunch, then met me in recovery and nursed me on that first terrible night. i was still heavily drugged, and as soon as we got to the motel i fell into bed and was out like a light.
As the days passed, my emotions went crazy. i cried for hours on end, then was on a complete high other times. i didnt feel like me- i still dont. i feel like a failure, i feel as though i let my baby down, as though if i had of just fought a little harder, i could have saved the baby. i feel like iv let my girls down, and i feel like my (ex) partner would blame me. deep in my heart i know that none of that is true, but some days i give in to the feelings and cry my heart out.
Just writing this has made me feel better today, and although there is so much more to this story, im so greatful for this site, and that i had a place to let out a few of my feelings. i also wrote a poem the other day, and if anyone would like to read it please, go ahead. its on the poems page on this site. I also want everyone to know that each and every story is as heart-breaking as the other, and every parent- mums and dads- need theirs heard to help them heal. Dad's... please, please dont forget about us mums.. we may pretend we are coping, we may look as though we are getting on with life... but inside, we are broken. im only 24 years old, and have a whole life ahead of me, and two beautiful girls who make me smile each and every day. but not for one moment, will i ever forget about the tiny little angel who is now in heaven, smiling down on us. i know that our angel will guide my two girls, ashantai and kaylee, through life, and all they have to do is close their eyes and imagine. and when im hurting, when i feel as though my heart is broken, all i need to do is close my eyes... and i know baby will be there, right next to me, holding my hand from heaven.
All my love and prayers and kisses, always and forever my lil one, my shining star...
mummy xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

By C. Millar

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