the LOST ones



When I first found out we were having another baby, I remember feeling alot of mixed emotions, I don't remember it feeling the same as it felt when I found out I was pregnant with my two girls, but nonetheless I was excited and scared. I have no idea where the fear came from but I felt it... for a short time, and then I had the scan to see what sex you were, your dad and I were hoping you were a boy as we have your sisters and then I felt really guilty for hoping for a boy but said also that I would not mind as long as you were ok...we would love you all the same!! -And surprise you were a boy - me your dad and your Nana went out for dinner to celebrate we were so happy, but that strange feeling came back again, the one I felt when I found out you came to me...I brushed it aside and went with the excitement. So we went shopping for boys clothes your dad was so cute he wanted to buy the whole shop, he also wanted to buy this cute little biker jacket that you would have been able to wear when you turned 2 we decided not to get it but got so many other things, you were the apple of your dads eye and you hadn't even arrived yet, he planned that you were going to be a little All Black he imagined that you would both go out and kick the ball together, and have so much fun. You were such an active wee boy in mummy's tummy kicking and moving around so much it would sometimes hurt but I loved it and embraced your activeness like any mum would. Then that weekend came that I will never forget, you had grown to a young healthy boy in mummy's tummy I was doing a mad clean up in the house "nesting" the weather was terrible there was even some snow where we live which is odd as we do not have snow here in these parts..I woke up that morning and noticed that you were not moving or the moving had decreased I said to your dad it's weird he is not moving do you think I should call the midwife - your dad said straight away to call her so I did - she came straight over and felt my tummy - she said he had moved but will check for the heartbeat, she was listening for your heart beat there was nothing but a look of concern and then a sudden panic to get me to the hospital we could not even organise our daughters it was just get in the car follow the midwife to the hospital. I prayed to whoever could hear me to please make sure our son was ok BUT I knew that you were gone even before we got to the hospital, we went into the delivery room a Doctor came and did a scan for the heartbeat - My worse fears were confirmed you had gone your heart had stopped and you were gone, your dad broke down the midwife broke down and I was just staring at the ceiling thinking it was all just a dream...please someone wake me up...- Then I came too I grabbed your dads arm and said come on we have to go by this time the midwife had gone. I spoke with a Nurse on the way out and asked her what happens from here, the nurse said I had to go back and have my son - I asked her if I had to have a natural birth could I not have a C section. The nurse recommended that I have you naturally so I went home to get you some clothes and call your Nana and Koro I had so much to do alot of blurry moments where I cannot recollect. I packed your clothes and then went back to the hospital I was glad that they put me in the same room where I found out you had gone. I was all prepared I got induced and there was so many family in the room. The hospital staff were absolutely wonderful I still need to go and thank them. And the time was near you were almost out my boy your nana was on my left side waiting for, as soon as I heard your nana say that you are beautiful I broke down and you had not even fully come out, then one more big push and you came the nurse took you to your dad well that is what I think happened doctors came running in I was scared I thought oh my goodness am I going to!! I looked at your dad who was looking straight at me I could not hear anything from all the crying but read his lips "what is going on"..he looked so sad your dad holding you...I couldn't hug you straight away or hold you infact I was scared to hold you, your nana bathed you and changed you your Nana was so gentle I watched the whole thing from where I was... then the nurse brought you to me, you were so heavy such a big healthy boy...perfect toes and boy I kept saying..- Eventually all the noise had stopped in the room there was some calm and we were sitting around talking I could not believe how perfect you were I just wished so bad that I would feel your breath or you would open your eyes...PLEASE.. - then the day came for you to leave mummy to go to your Nana's your Dad picked you up I wanted to stay to make sure I was ok I hated the fact that you were going and I felt so lonely when you had gone in the hospital alone I cried so much and it hurts still so much that I feel like I might just die from the pain of it all. Then I heard that your Koro closed your coffin, I was extremely upset I could not beleive that this would happen while I was still in hospital so I told your Koro to take the lid back off (despite Maori protocol) so I can say goodbye to my son. Your Koro listened, he did not mean to hurt mummy I think he just did not want people to stare at you maybe.? - So I came home and came and sat with you - your Nana, and aunties, and the whole family did such a wonderful job of setting up your little resting place. The amount of love and support around was absolutely wonderful the day of your service we let go of blue and white balloons all your cousins had one was a beautiful service my son your uncles and aunties did the Haka as well I was so proud we had your beautiful buriel and then went back to your Nans and had something to eat.
Family started to go back home and the house became quieter, I myself have had a hard few months I hit the bottle a bit but have come out the other side, I still need to deal with your loss properly (however that might be) I am back at work which I find is the best thing I could have ever done, your dad is finding it hard at the moment. I think the important thing is we need to remember our girls. My prince your bassinet is still up your cot is still up your clothes are still in their drawers your treasures still there in the same place. I miss you so much my Prince I sometimes wish I could be with you but I cannot be selfish..YOUR MUM

By Kahira Marshall-Staladi


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