the LOST ones


Kruz Braydon Winkleman

Dear Kruz,

Your mum rang and told me she was pregnant around the end of septemeber 2008 and not long after that we found out your due date was 4/06/09, I was excited, I couldnt to have another little nephew/niece to have around to play with, we all start taking bets on what sex you were I was positive you were gonna be a little girl, but alas no you decided to be a little boy.
As time went on your mum and dad decided to move in with me and your uncle max,I was so excited having your mum around watching u grow and kick in her tummy, we were counting every day down to the due date, we brought you a bassinet and clothes that you would need and your mum and dad asked us to be your god parents we were over the moon.
Your mum didnt gain weight in fact she lost it at her 29 week scan it was said that you were around 8 pounds at that time so of course we all thought my goodness your gonna be a big one!!
Your mum had told the doctor she was losing weight, he told her to eat more but she was eating as much as she could and couldnt fit anymore in her tummy.
On the 8th may she went up the hospital for her 34 week check and the doctor there ( not her normal one) express her concern about the weight you were and requested a scan but mum's normal doctor said "no we will do it next week" mum came home and we were talking about it the next day (9th may) me your uncle and your cousins out to a bbq about 6pm that night we recieved a phone were gone, I went into shock my first reaction was to get up the hospital to see your mum, so we jumped in the car and it was a 40 mins drive to the hospital I cried the whole way I ran into the hospital and was waiting for the nurse to tell me where your mum was and here comes your dad pushing your mum in a wheel chair I just broke into tears and grabbed your mum and held her I kept asking why, they couldnt tell me, they also told us they will ring us when you were born, I managed to get a few hours sleep and at 8.24 your dad rang us to tell us you were born at 4.27am 10th may 2009 but you were sleeping, you were only 3 pound 13 oz and were 42 cms long, not the way your mum wanted for mother days, me and your uncle piled the the kids in the car and went up to see you, your mum and dad were outside having a smoke so we waited with them and as soon as I laid my eyes on you I broke down my heart was breaking, you were so beautiful, you looked like you were only sleeping the only way anyone could tell you were gone was by your lips and if they held you they would have felt you were cold.
I didnt want to leave you I kept giving you millions of kisses but I felt mum and dad needed there sleep, so we went home empty hearted that night your mum and dad wanted us to come back up, so my parents (your nana and grandad) stayed with your cousins and we went back up I couldnt take my eyes off you.
The next day we went back up to the hospital as they were going to baptise you and your parents wanted us there and that was also the day mum and dad were going to leave you and we wouldnt see you again til thursday at the funeral home, I dont think I had realised that you were gone well I knew but I didnt want to believe it, when the pregnancy loss nurse came in I asked her "what went wrong" your mum had a palcenta abruption, so I had to asked the question that was nagging me "if she had the scan on friday would you still be with us?" i was not looking forward to the answer and your mum and dad were waiting to ask that question as well, the nurse looked at us and said "yes you would have been here alive today" I wanted to get out and find the doctor who refused the scan and tell him what i thought of him, but I didnt only because you were right there and I didnt want to leave you.
A few hours later it was time for me to go so I could start doing some arrangements for your funeral (as your parents requested) I realised then you were gone and I almost collaspe to the ground I cried my heart out my heart actually broke I sat there for 30 mins just holding you crying.
the week went like a blur now it's time to go to the funeral home and see you, I felt like I was in a dream, I walked inside and saw your little blue coffin and I almost started to cry again but managed to hold it in and as your mum gave you to me I burst into tears once again and the first thing I said was "damn he smells beautiful" the funeral home had given you a bath with the johnson lavender bath stuff that your mum had brought you.
we took millions of pictures, and we found your frown your fore head skin kept sagging down looking like you were in a bad mood, it was so cute.
my 4 year son didnt understand you were gone and he had believed you had lip stick on, he pushed your hat back and I happen to see your eyes, the bluest of blue eyes I have ever seen, I had never seen such beautiful eyes in my life.
The kids started playing up after two hours so we took them home, the next day was the hardest, it was the day we had to let you go.
It was a beautiful place, as we walked in "little wonder" was played, you looked so beautiful in your coffin I gave you one last kiss, me and your uncle max both said a poem on behalf of your family, the second song was "tears in heaven" and the last song was "crusin" then they put your coffin lid on, I didnt want to watch that part but your parents told me I had to because it would help me, it broke my heart that I wasnt going to hold you again.
we then went outside and let 10 balloons go.

Its been almost two months since you left us, and it doesnt get any easier, i look at your photos every day and wish you were still here today, you will always be in my heart Kruz and I will never forget you.
I love you forever my little man

R.I.P Kruz Braydon Winkleman

Love your aunty TT.

By Kruz's Aunty

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