the LOST ones



I know that some of you who have had miscarriages will understand the feeling in my story. Before I found out that i was pregnant before my loss. I was in a bad abusive marriage. i met a new man,and he was my rock, someone i could chat too about my abuse. I come out of my abusive marriage, and me and my rock got together. Then i found out i was pregnant in november 2004. i was over the moon.

A new fresh start in my life, a new life without abuse. Also a pregnancy with a man that i love. Then after march 2nd 2005 i woke up with a bleed. no pain and bright red. I thought i was 17 weeks pregnant. I phoned the hospital and they asked me to go in. I thought it was cause i was B-negative blood. i'll just need some anti-d. they listened for a heart beat,there was a kind of beating but very faint. They was gonna send me for a scan, but it was in the afternoon. it felt like days,but was only a couple of hours. Then when the time come they had me drinking water so they could get a better scan. They but the gel on my stomach. then came the awful blow. There is no heart beat, i felt like someone had ripped my heart open. I just cried like a baby myself, and the numbness that also hits you at the same time. the feeling of being empty.

The midwife came to take me to the delivery suite. I passed someone holding a newborn baby, and i turned away. It then didn't seem long when the doctor came in asking what i wanted to do. I just wanted to be left alone. but i told them i wanted a op.

I cried and cried until i couldn't cry no mom came in a couple of hours,wanting me to cry on her shoulder. i felt numb i wanted to be left alone with my rock. Then the time come to have my op to take my baby out. I had lost my baby at 12weeks into the pregnancy and never knew that he/she had died. I walked down to the operating room. still numb. it was like i was in a dream. like my body want mine. yet i could see everyone talking to me.

I lay on the table, then came round shaking and numb. it was all over. I was empty. i didn't feel pregnant anymore. mothers day was not long after losing my baby. all i could do that day was cry. i could talk to anyone. i couldn't even spend the time with my other 3 healthy kids.

Then on 5th april, a month after my loss,i visited my baby's grave, and felt a flutter in my stomach. it felt strange, it was like am i pregnant again. i couldn't get it out of my head. so i got a pregnancy test kit. And it was true i was pregnant. i felt like my angel was telling me i was pregnant. after 9mths on pins,praying my baby would be ok. i give birth to katie weighing 8ibs 2 1/2ozs. then 12months later i married my rock,his name tony. and if it wasn't for him getting me through the bad times i don't know what i would do. i love him and katie. And also my 3 kids and my angel in heaven,olivia.

By Andrea Leach

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