the LOST ones


Ryan's Story

For those of you that don't know me my name is Charmaine and i am 23 years old, i live in New Zealand with my 6 year old son Joshua, 4 year old daughter Tyla-Rose and my partner Darren.

Darren and i have been together for coming up 5 years we first met when we where both at a club called bull n gate he was there with sum of his mates at a stags do ( not his lol ) and i was there with my friend i hadn't even noticed him when my mate went over to him saying i liked the look of him no idea why she did that but to this day i am so grateful that she did he come over and we all started to chat and my friend and i decided to join the boys on the stags do and put it this way Darren is never having one now i know what goes on at them lol.

Ever since that night Darren and i have been together i was so grateful to have him in my life i had been raising my son Joshua by my self and he welcomed me and josh into his life with open arms and loved josh like his own from the start.

We moved in together after only being together for only bout a month but when sumthing is right and u know it why waste time. After being together for about 2 months we decided we would like to have a child together and i know a lot of people will think why rush but it just felt right and we thought it wouldn't happen straight away but guess what it did lol. The pregnancy was very straight forward and on the 6th March 2003 i gave birth to our daughter Tyla-Rose our family was complete.

In the year 2004 we decided to get married we had started organising it and i had been buying things to go on the tables etc if i saw a good deal. We had set a date it would be 3rd of September 2005.

When 2005 arrived i started looking for churches venues and of course my dress, i had then booked all of the above apart from my dress which i had a appointment with for a weekend in a couple of weeks time, a few days b4 my appointment i found out i was pregnant and very shocked and confused as we have finished our family and was moving on to get married i knew that we could not afford to have a wedding and another baby in the same year so we canceled the wedding, i then went to the doc's to find out how far etc and to my shock i was already 9 weeks.
I told Darren on the 1st of April and he thought i was joking with it being April fools day but finally got him to believe me.

After the shock we all started looking forward to the new arrival including my son Joshua who really wanted a baby brother. Throughout the whole pregnancy i always felt sumthing wasn't quite right but thought it was just my mind playing tricks nothing bad can happen to me. At 18 weeks i still hadn't felt my baby move but i didn't really think much of it i had my 20 week scan booked in and got Darren and the 2 kids to come with me that day has changed all our lives for ever. The scan seemed to take for ever the kids where enjoying it tho espeally josh he could understand that was his baby brother or sister. Then finally the guy that was doing the scan said i have sum bad news so many things where going round in my mind and then he said that the baby ( of which at this stage i still didn't know if it was a boy or girl ) had really bad brain damage and the worst kind of spina bifida. My heart just sank and the tears just came rolling out at this stage i had no idea what this meant but i knew my baby wasn't ok, but i still thought he had a chance of living. I then asked the man if he knew if i was having a boy or a girl he told me a boy.

When he had finished the report and got me a appointment for that afternoon at the hospital for another scan i went out to the car crying and not knowing what to do or think i tried ringing my mum but she had gone for lunch and left her phone at work so i called my sister and got her to keep trying when she heard me crying she said are u having a boy lol as she knew i wanted a girl and all i said was yes but sum things wrong i wanted to tell mum first, mum finally got back and called me and i told her everything then my mum and sister met me Darren and the kids at the hospital

The wait at the hospital seemed forever at this stage i had learnt more about spina bifida and that the folic acid that u take for the first 3 months is meant to reduce the risk well i didn't take it as i was all ready 9 weeks even though it wasn't my fault for not taking it i will never forgive my self for that and always wonder if i had known and taken it would my angel be with me today.

When we finally got to go in to have the scan the lady did what she needed and then it was back to waiting again while the doc's looked at the scan pics. When the lady came back she told us that our baby had the worst kind of spina bifida and we had no choice but to stop the pregnancy as even if i went full term with him he wouldn't live.
In that one moment my whole life came crashing down from me not knowing what to think the lady said i would have to come back to the hospital on Monday to take 3 tablets that would help bring on the labour ( it was a Friday when we had the scan) that was such a long weekend but it was very special as on the weekend i felt our baby kick it was like he was saying its ok mum this is the right thing to do.

Over the weekend my mum had decided that because i couldn't afford to have a funeral for him she would pay which i will forever be grateful for as i don't know how i would of coped not having a goodbye, so over the weekend we arranged everything so when he was born we didn't have to worry about it we chose the music which is what is playing the background ( Fly by Celine Dion ) and i had decided i would like to give everyone at the service a balloon to let go of at the burial.

When Monday morning came my mum and i went to the hospital to talk to the social worker and take the tablets the nurse said it would take about 3 days for it to work but come back on Wednesday if nothing had happened it was so hard to take those tablets but i knew i had no choice. Nothing happened so when Wednesday came Darren mum Danielle and i all went up to the hospital where they gave us a room the nurse came in and then gave me 3 more tablets to bring the labour on and then it was just a waiting game.

I could still feel very slight kicks so my sister asked the nurse if we could try and see if we could find a heart beat, she said they don't normally because more than likely that he had already passed away due to the tablets i took on Monday and it upsets the parents to much to try to find the heart beat and not find it but she agreed to try any way but told me not to get my hopes up as soon as she put it on my tummy all you could hear was his heartbeat going strong it was so nice to hear it even if it was for the last time. That was at 1145am. My aunty Cathy also came in the room during the day to be there for when Ryan was born she is a old family friend.

Nothing was happening all day so we all just sat around and talked, finally i stared to get contractions around 5pm it was so hard tho as i knew then that it was all coming to a end and even tho i wanted to met our son who we had decided to name Ryan i knew until i had him he was safe inside me no harm to come to him. I was trying to stay positive and said to my mum whats the bet i will have him during shortland st ( my favorite t.v show ) which starts at 7 and goes till 730 sure enough my waters broke at 645pm and he was born 730pm on the dot. It was so hard Darren was the first to see and hold him i felt sooooo bad as i didn't want to see him to begin with and now that i look back i guess it was because as soon as i saw him it was real but until then it was like everything was ok even though i knew it wasn't. He was 335grams and was 20cms long.

When i did see him he was so perfect, not what i was expecting, with him looking so perfect i felt what have we done theres nothing wrong with him, before he was born we decided not to have a postmortem done as we had already been told what was wrong and we didn't want him to be sent away so they just did sum tests at the hospital which they did and told us it was as bad as they thought which in a way was a relive as i then knew we hadn't made a mistake. We all spent time with Ryan including our other 2 children Tyla-Rose was scared to begin with but josh just talked away to him held him in his basket which the hospital had given us the hospital where so good they took Ryan away to clean and dress him in sum clothes that had be donated to the hospital they did his hand and foot prints for us and what i love the most is they would talk away to him and when ever they needed to take him for sum tests they would stay with him as they knew i didn't want him by him self and they would use his name if they where talking to us about him. We stayed in the hospital for one night then took Ryan home with us to my mums house until the Saturday which is when we had the Funeral.

When we got home on the Thursday the man from the Funeral home met us there to give us Ryan's casket it was so small we then put Ryan in his casket along with a toy from all of us Darren and i put in a soft duck that says a classic prayer, josh and Tyla-Rose put in a toy dog toy that josh had chosen in along with josh putting a letter in that he wrote for Ryan saying I love you Ryan we got a toy for you love Joshua and then he did a drawing of Ryan in his casket and josh next to him, he had also decided to give him one of his toy Thomas trains it was so sweet and my mum put in soft toy tiger and my aunty Cathy gave me a soft toy of roo from pooh bear. Of which i now have another one the same hanging in my car on the rear vision mirror.

While i was in hospital my mum went and got a special blanket made up with each of the 4 corners having sumthing written on them from us all Mums corner said nanas littlest Angel mine and Darren's said we've touched a angel josh and rose shared one and said our little brother we love you and my sisters one said sweetest dreams and we had Ryan wrapped in this blanket in his casket.

When we got home josh wouldn't leave Ryan's side he wanted him near him at all times he would sing to him and talk away to him it was hitting him a lot harder than we all thought it would he loved Ryan so much. On Thursday night we had to close the casket as we wanted to remember Ryan how he was not how he was going to be over the next few days as he was already turning lighter it was so hard to do this we had myself my mum and josh close it. I will never forget that it was so hard to do. Once the casket was closed we set up a table in my mums room where he would stay until Saturday as we didn't want to keep moving him josh spent a lot of time in there with him , it was so hard to see josh so upset.

When Saturday came it was a bitter sweet day it was nice cos i got to share Ryan with all my family and friends but i knew it was the last time to be that close to him. His service was so nice everyone was sitting in the room waiting for the service to start when mum and josh walked in carrying Ryan i was so proud of josh as i didn't think he would help mum with so many people there as hes shy but he did.

I was really worried about how Tyla-Rose was going to be during the service as she didn't understand what was going on but she was so good when she saw us all crying she kept giving us tissues to wipe our eyes.
I had chosen a poem to read out out the service but didn't know if i could go through with reading it my self as i am also shy but im so glad i did, it was the one thing i could do for Ryan i didn't once look up tho so i have no idea who was there but i could feel all the love in the room, when it was time for the service to end Darren carried Ryan to the car to drive down to his final resting place when we got in the car rose said no more crying which was nice cos it gave us all a smile on our faces.

When we got to Ryan's grave everyone was holding their balloons we had for them and when the lady said we all let go it was such a nice moment it was so peaceful and it was so clam it was funny cos i had a different balloon from everyone else i had one of those foil ones and everyone else's balloons where together and mine was taking its time it was like Ryan was with my balloon. After this everyone came and payed there respects to me and Darren and left to go to my mums for refreshments Darren and i stayed behind to say our last goodbyes before the dirt went on. It was so hard to walk away and leave him there.

When i got back to my mums it was so hard as josh was still very upset he just went into my mums room where Ryan had been and looked at the empty table his tummy must have been in knots as he was then sick my heart just broke there was nothing i could do for him to make him feel better other then hug him. The rest of the day was really a blur i just wanted it over.

It is now 12th February 2006 and i am pregnant again i did get pregnant again about 3 months after Ryan but sadly i lost that baby at bout 6 weeks not sure why :(. i am now 21 weeks pregnant with another baby boy who we are going to call Mitchell Ryan Staal, i have been for my 20 week scan and everything looks good but im still scared this one will be taken away as well i will not feel safe until i have him in my arms it will be very hard as my due date is 26th June which is 3 days b4 Ryan's 1st Birthday but we will see how it goes There is not a day that goes by that we don't think of Ryan and we still visit him at least once a week and im happy to say Josh is back to him self he still talks about Ryan everyday but hes happy to talk about him and he always puts a smile on my face when he talks about him cos u can feel the love.

UPDATE: 13th February 2007

Well our little boy Mitchell arrived on the 24th June 2006 safe and healthy i got my midwife to induce me so i didn't have to be in hospital for Ryans birthday as we where having his headstone unvalling I knew having him close to Ryans birthday was going to be hard but to give birth on the same day would be even harder esp every birthday as it would always be a bitter sweet day.

The birth was very hard when it came to pushing i wouldn't let myself i was to scared of the outcome every time i closed my eyes all i could see was Ryan but i had a very good midwife who got my mind back on track as Mitchell was getting stressed and she knew we had to get him out. Mitchell was 7pund 11 and a very cute baby i was glad that he didn't look like Ryan not because i didn't want to be reminded of Ryan or anything like that but Ryan is his own person and i wanted to keep him that way im sure u know what i mean.

Josh and Rose love their new baby brother Josh still talks about Ryan i don't think that will ever change and i wouldn't want it to just the other day he was saying to Mitchell who is now 8 months “do u know Ryan hes up in the sky when u are older ill tell you all about him” that made me just smile hes got such a sweet soul. Darren and i have now set our new wedding date its the 28th July this year ( 2007 ) and its all coming together nicely got everything booked i just can't wait.

Thanks for taking the time to view our website and please feel free to email me and if you have lost a child for what ever reason im so sorry no one should have to go through what we have been through.

By Charmaine

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