the LOST ones


Trinity Clair – Born sleeping 19th June 2005

This is the story of my precious baby girl who was the inspiration for our website My husband and I knew we were going to start a family right from the start, it was just a matter of when. Once the time came I went off the pill, did all the research, ate the right food etc etc. Although I knew it was unlikely I’d fall pregnant right away I was still heartbroken when I didn’t. As each month went by we began to get used to the disappointment but started to worry that we had a fertility issue. We got the necessary tests which showed we should have no problem becoming pregnant and what we were experiencing was normal, so we kept trying. After around 8 – 9 months we got our first positive pregnancy test. We were ecstatic, so excited we began telling our immediate family right away even though we knew of the risk of miscarriage in the first 12 weeks. Exactly one week later I began to bleed and immediately went to my midwife for blood tests which confirmed that I had miscarried. We were heartbroken, but determined. We waited the recommended time of one cycle, began trying again, and were successful first time around.

We still told our immediate family almost right away as we knew we would need their support should we miscarry again. Everything went relatively smoothly, I had little morning sickness, and was quite tired for the first few months, and some tiredness at the end and also a bit of essential hypertension, but all things considered, it was a good healthy pregnancy. We had found out that we were having a little girl, which was exactly what my husband wanted (ok, secretly I was hoping for a girl too). Then came that fateful day, Friday 17 th June I had gone to bed but couldn’t sleep, I finally dozed off just after 2am, with baby Trinity doing her best to keep me awake. Saturday 18 th June everything seemed normal, I hadn’t felt her move in the morning, but she was normally quite in the mornings so I wasn’t too concerned. We had gone out to pick up some film for the camera and were in and out of the car a few times so I figured I’d just hadn’t felt her movements. On the way home we picked up lunch and then I had a bit of a kip on the couch while my husband Corey napped in bed.

When I woke I had an uneasy feeling as I had still felt no definite movement that I could remember. I phoned Mary, my midwife, and she suggested having a bite to eat and a cup tea as sometimes that starts them off. Still no go. I phoned Mary back and she organised for us to go to the hospital to be put on a monitor. I kept telling myself that it was ok and I was just overreacting, but in my heart I knew something was wrong. At the hospital the midwife who first put me on the monitor couldn’t find the heartbeat, by now I’m telling myself it’s just the equipment or she’s moved into an awkward position, the midwife in charge then came in and found ‘a’ heartbeat. I was admitted around 5 pm. They bought in a doctor and he agreed that they had found the heartbeat, it was low for a baby, but it was there. I had a short lived moment of relief. Mary arrived soon after and checked things over. It was then we heard the words that sent our world crashing down, “that’s not the baby’s heartbeat, it’s maternal”. I was sent to the delivery suite to be checked on another machine, still no go, then I was sent to have the ultrasound that would confirm our worst fears. Our baby had died and I would now have to deliver her. We phoned our immediate family and friends, some came and stayed, some came and went home before I went into labour. Both mine and Coreys’ mothers were there, my sister and a close friend came too. I was induced at around 9 – 9.30 pm and told it could take up to 2 days. Mary went home to try to get some sleep before things picked up, but she would have just got home to receive a phone call from the hospital to say I’d gone into labour.

By the time she got back my contractions were very close together and a doctor was called in to administer an epidural. Around midnight I was fully dilated and began to push and at about 1.30 am, less than 5 hours of labour, Trinity Clair was born. 7lbs 13 ozs, 55cm long, she was a big girl and so beautiful. I felt so proud and overwhelmed by her beauty, but I also realised I wouldn’t hear my baby’s first cry, I’d never hear her cry at all, nor would she ever open her eyes, I could see her but she would never see me. We took photos, Mary took hand and foot prints and a lock of hair and everyone there got to have a hold. The following morning it came time to leave, I could never put in words how I felt having to leave my baby in the hospital. A mother isn’t supposed to walk out of the delivery suite being comforted by family, she is supposed to walk out comforting her child. We chose to have an autopsy preformed even though the most likely outcome will be cause unknown, perhaps they will find out enough to go towards helping figure out why this happens. When she came back from Wellington after the autopsy I went to the funeral home with Mary to help dress my little girl in an outfit I had made for her for when she came home from the hospital. She looked beautiful, instead of looking bruised she was pink, I’m glad I helped dress her, I almost didn’t, I wish I could have done it myself, but I would have regretted it if I didn’t go at all.

We had Trinity’s service the day she was due to be born, the 23 rd June 2005. We were told we could have her here overnight but chose not to, it would have been too painful to know I wouldn’t be waking to nurse her or change her. Instead we only had her at home for an hour. That was the second hardest day of my life, having to watch as my daughter was brought home in a little white casket instead of bundled up in her carseat. The service was simple but moving. It was mainly just immediate family, my friend who was at the birth and her partner, and Mary. We played 3 cds, Anika Moa, Bic Runga and Brook Fraser. The celebrant, Glenda, said a few words and also read out a poem and some words that my sister Rachelle had sent as she couldn’t be there because she was in Azerbaijan . My nephew Jordan read out what Dad had sent as he couldn’t be there because he was in the US. Mum also read some words that she had prepared. I felt like I had to say something, and somehow managed to pluck up the courage, this is what I said, "my beautiful baby girl, I just want to let you know that Mummy and Daddy love you very much, and although we have to say goodbye to your little body today, we're saying 'see you later' to your little soul, because we know you'll come back to us very soon".

After everything was said everyone got a chance to come and see Trinity and have one last goodbye. Mum came up with Coreys Mum and put a little angel pin in her casket. Corey went and got his much treasured Gizmo statue and put that in with her. After the goodbyes the lid was put on the casket, at this point even the celebrant was in tears, it was then that I realized I would never see my baby again in this lifetime. Final words of committal were read and then Corey carried Trinity to the celebrants car, just before she drove off the sun came out and warmed my face as I wept, I somehow felt like this was Trinitys way of saying goodbye.

By Amanda Jull


<< Back to Stories