Can You See The Change in Me?

It may not be obvious to you.
I participate in family activities.
I attend family reunions.
I help plan holiday meals.
You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore.
But I do cry.
When everyone has gone - when it is safe - the tears fall.
I cry in privacy so my family won't worry.
I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.
You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.
But I'm not strong.
I feel that I have lost control, and I panic when I think about tomorrow
... next week
... next month
... next year.
I go about the routine of my job.
I complete my assigned tasks.
I drink coffee and smile.
You tell me that you're glad to see I'm "over " the death of my loved one.
But I'm not "over " it.
If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died.
I will never be the same.
At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart.
I visit my neighbours.
You tell me you're so glad to see I'm holding up so well.
But I'm not holding up well.
Sometimes I want to lock my door and hide from the world.
I spend time with friends.
I appear calm and collected.
I smile when appropriate.
You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self ".
But I will never be back to my "old self ".
Death and grief have touched my life, and I am forever changed.

 

By Unknown

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